Oy, I decided to give you a little of my love, livejournal that I don't know if anybody reads. Killing time at work, the best that I can.

I also thought I would drop a little happy bomb of humor.

For those of you concerned about illegal immigration, have at her!

http://goodatdrinkingbadatlife.blogspot.com/2006/05/what-aboot-canadians.html

Sweet, sweet blogs, how you consume my life.

poor journal. so little updating.

however, i have been on rant lite lately. don't have much to say. too much stress and things to do to sit and fuck around. sigh. it also means i have writer's block. sigh. i need to study. sigh. i need to transcribe. sigh. i need to pack. sigh. i need to get one of use to find a mutherfucking job. sigh.

today and has not been a good day. the bf needs to jump through so many hoops to get his recipriciocity licensure bullshit in wisconsin. i should not be moving to wisconsin. i will go one step farther and say FUCK WISCONSIN 'cause motherfucking tommy fucking thompson, bush butt boy was former govn or there. grrr! there was some rant for you. so tired. so very tired.

want to become militant freedom fighter but don't know how. will settle for going to libby college and continuing to plan my escape to canada. maybe the bf and i will break up and i will marry a dazzling lez named pascale and we will open a comic shop in quebec city. ha ha. okay back in reality. the poor bf. he doesn't deserve that.

i am going to try and draw meself a new livejournal icon. the same but with a girl. i love it. i will never reliquish it.

okay. i am going to go see if i can find a cockney rhyming dictionary online. that shit is entertaining. booyah!

so sad. but a very special episode of snakes on a starship cheered me up. ah, beloved startrek.

i also have found some new websites. yay.

the gilded moose. fucking hilarious.
pujiba- awesome movie reviews, though they are having some homeland security related problems. thank good the gov't stopped bloggers from talking about movies. i feel so much safer. what's that? oh the repo men coming, cause the ECONOMY FUCKING SUCKS AND THEY ARE TAKING MY SHIT.
thanks, gwb. now tit for tat mo fo, can i stick something up your ass?

whatever.

stalks off to sulk and rage

Oh man, Colbert at the White House Press Correspondence Dinner, so fucking sweet. Go see it now at Salon.com, Video Dog. So good. I hope that people will wake up.

Anyway, I don't want to blog anymore.

WHoo~

So journally. Mmmm.

real life is kicking my ass. this is my day OFF and this is what i have to do:

a) go to auto shop, try not to get ripped off
b) eat lunch i can't afford with friend who occasionally drives me nuts (this is the one who tried to pick a fight with my bf)
c) go to meeting
d) transcribe
e) study
f) exercise

i am 5 lbs up, probably 3 is water, but grr. i just lost those 5 stress pounds, then put them back on! this isn't a vanity thing, just a reality. it's much easier to lose 5 pounds than wait until i am 10 up. sigh. however i have really learned something. stress is the cause of weight gain for me. and that is very valuable knowledge. and stress/anxiety isn't interchangaeable with depression. this winter i was my thinnest in sometime but miserable. now i am not so down, just anxious and it makes me want to eat for gratification. armed with this knowledge i can actually DO something about it.

i am trying to relax, but whew! i need some help with something. if the bf can find a new living place, i can maybe handle the uhaul and packing or something. i don't know. i really hate moving. like the packing and carrying stuff.

anyway. i got to get ready to roll. my day OFF. so much for writing.

wow, the weather is sooooooooo good. i could go on and on. i love spring, its so warm and gentle. all the treacherous ice near my door is almost gone, there are birds. sigh. it's great. i loves it.

i am finally kicking some ass in KOTOR which makes me happy. i will triumph! i also communicated with someone in french and they got what the fuck i was saying. yay! i am very exicted about going back to school though i still wonder what the value will be. but what is the value of anything. and given my appraisal of most conventions is quite low, i could probably use the perceived uselessness of something as an indicator of is probable worth. like people actually care about branelina which could not really be much more pointless. ergo, a degree in a language must have some value! poor poor logic. anyway...

wow. i am having one of those sucking vertigo depression moments. i hate that. i can't type well either. it's probably because i am working nights and that bums me out. also, my job bums me out. it just feels so scary sometimes. i am really really tired of being scared. i don't know if i was always this scared or not. sometimes i think its a hyper awareness of mortality and a failure to come to some kind of metaphysical resolution about what happens when you die.

i don't know though. i guess i don't really think anything bad happens, mostly because no one thinks they are the bad guy. i think honestly, most people think they are making the best choice they can at any given point in time, even when its a bad choice. maybe there are a few genuine sociopaths, but i've talked to rapists, criminals, the insane, and i don't think any of them ever said "today i am going to fuck someone over purely out of spite because i hate them." maybe vengeance, but even revenge is born of something other than just malice. a desire to right wrong, to rebalance something. okay, i know a few people who talk a mean game (myself included) but its usually bluster when its go time. whatever, my ramblings for today.

i am probably super tired and somewhat anxious because i haven't been studying (but now am accepted to my program, so i really need to) and have transcription work to do. when i have stuff to do, it feels like a tangible monkey sitting on my back. i am not kidding. its really difficult for me to make the necessary distance between myself and a responsibility. even if it isn't a big deal. like hello, the world isn't going to implode if i don't fucking study le futur conditionnel tonight. sorry. and even my transcripts, i have 3 hours left maybe. oh shit. so that's maybe 5 hours of work. i could fucking get it done in one weekend if i really needed to. stupid girl.

okay, i feel alittle better now. i think i will go write. that will make me feel better. and then later i will study because i will be calmer from being more tired. funny how that works. isn't the world wacky?

i was reading postsecret today. go google it if you haven't. sometimes it makes me feel a lot better sometimes it doesn't. but i guess i kind of use this like my own postsecret. because no one i actually know is linked to this anymore. and i really like that.
years ago, my then ex-boyfriend's friend linked to it, and it kind of wrecked it for me to know someone tangible was reading it. i like sending my messages into the void. like a stupid techno prayer. zoop! out it goes with no response. i like to listen to the echo.

i want to gloat about politics but i can't think that coherently. but yes, two nasty GOP'ers down in one day. it makes me want to go outside and sing. for real.

i wrote a ranty letter to one of my favorite online newsmagazines. hah, i am expecting some hate mail for that as it was expressing an extremely unpopular sentiment, but whatever, i just had to speak out. it was about people whining about United 93, that 9/11 hijack plane movie. people were just huffing and puffing about it and i just had to say stop! it was 4 years ago. it was 4 years ago. so many bad things are happening, and to be cut up about that. i realized it crashed into your self absorbed little world, but god! things are so bad right now for people who are still living and breathing, just thinking about it makes me want to cry. and to freak over a piece of hollywood drivel. anyway... i am not going to go into and i am sure anyone who reads this could pick my letter out in a heartbeat.

this world breaks my heart, and i don't know how to change anything. i do what i can right here, right now, but i want to do more. i am still trying to figure out what that should be. i would really like to do some work with climate change, but i don't have the stomach to go back into research. not at all. there are other people who like routine boring crap and they are better suited to being in the lab. i love being outside but not enough to want to pull fucking soil cores all day. seriously. i guess i want to do climate change work because it hurts me personally. my life is different from global warming. i don't care what people say. it is not as cold where i live, there is less snow. the summer is longer, the forest composition is changing. this sounds like climate change affecting my life. i really want to live in the arctic before it is gone. i don't even know if that can happen. i am not in a position to move to alaska, or the canada even though my bf and i both want to do it. its sad, its the end of a culture, of a way of life, and no one fucking cares. its incredible. but i guess if no one cares about darfur, afghanistan, korea, sudan, how can people care about this?

anyway, i am sad enough for today. i am going to go outside and enjoy my abnormally early spring. yes, it is an early spring for here. i don't think i have seen many snow free aprils before.

ooh yeah, forget to say. i did stuff! i went to marquette and saw sah, which is a hella cool godspeed you! black emperor type band. which is very my speed and is amazing live. however there were waaaay to many fucked up teenagers there. which is a drag. they were all trying to start shit and i can't let certain things lie, so i was pretty tense. but otherwise it was good. and i had a great bloody mary. mmmm.

wow, today was just crazy.

i have been having a financial meltdown. and am not embarassed because i don't really see how i could have done better. my problem is school debt, not personal debt, and well i can't get a refund on the fucking degree can i?

anyway, i found out today

a) my parents have to move as their landlord is selling their house
b) we can't get the car from south carolina, meaning we are pretty fucked and i can't move, but have quit my job
c) i have a new job doing transcriptions on the basis that i don't fuck up the ones i have right now
d) the bf is going to quit job imminently
e) 1 billion USD today is worth 600 million USD 1986. Inflation = bad, v.v.v. bad for those dumb cunts running our gov't

on the upside i talked to my uncle for hours who is just soooo awesome. we spent two hours talking about engineering and economics. that is sooo rad. two subjects near to both of our hearts. i also talked to my mom, but we avoided economics cause she didn't want to be mad.

its all good. i am not capable of melting down at this point in time. i am not trying to tempt fate, but i have been wound soo tight for such a long time that i just can't. and thinks are pretty bad, i can't really lie, but whatever. life goes one. people have been managing since the dawn of time so i will too.